by Carol Knopes
Special for USA TODAY

When it matters most, we're at our worst.

When the boss suddenly questions our work, when it's important to tell the higher-ups that they're going in the wrong direction, when we have to deliver bad news at an annual review, what do we do? Too often, we blow it. Adrenaline starts pumping, and all those old survival genes kick in. We go silent or we start swinging - fight or flight.

At the very time we should be at our calm and reasonable best, we are doped up and dumbed down.

This is what Crucial Conversations is talking about. The book by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler promises ''tools for talking when stakes are high.''

Those familiar with the 7 Habits approach (Stephen Covey wrote the book's foreword) will find seven steps to get ready for and get through a crucial conversation, which the book defines as ''a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary and (3) emotions run strong.''

The book is full of good examples, from the meeting where an employee starts yelling at the boss (insubordination is not allowed) to the husband whose wife finds a receipt from a cheap motel among her husband's bills (talk about a crucial conversation).

With the rich array of stories, however, comes much jargon about shared pools, mutual purpose and exploring others' paths. Then there are the mnemonics. You may get a mind cramp trying to figure out if you're in ABC (Agree-Build-Compare) mode or simply lying in STATE (Share-Tell-Ask-Talk-Encourage).

There are truths: ''In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable - regardless of level or position.''

But it's like reading about how to tie your shoes - watching makes for better learning. The examples are better teachers.

Still, these are important subjects, and it's good to find someone addressing them. They include how to talk about emotionally charged issues without getting everyone's defenses up; how to honestly try to listen and open minds to new ideas; how to get everyone on the same wavelength. Do these things and you will be in control - of yourself rather than others.

Sounds simple. But it could change the way you work - and live.

For information on Crucial Conversations training, click here.

All materials related to Crucial Conversations^® are derived from the copyrighted works of VitalSmarts, a strategic partner of The Duncan Company.

For many other materials and tools to assist with personal and organizational development, click here.